Most may not know that I am a stickler for facts. They do not lie. The earth is round, rain is wet, and rough toilet paper makes the tushie sore, are all facts. They are proven scientifically and have been beta tested to no end (no pun intended). So, I wonder why “Global Warming,” which has been touted as fact is now called “Climate Change.” Is it because warming was too specific and change is an evolving perception and more readily identifies arbitrary objectives?

In august, temperatures reach 90’s and the 100’s. In February they dip to the teens and sub’s. What used to be summer and winter are now “Climate Change, and we are responsible. To test this theory, I performed a test to see how much impact I could have on the earth. I went outside and did 10 push ups. As I did, I had my wife watch me to see if I was physically forcing my body upward from the ground or if as I think I was, pushing the earth down and away from body. The distance of the earth from my chest would have been the same either way, so the conclusion was neither. I could only do one push up and according to my wife it didn’t count because I was on my knees.

The nest experiment was harder, I tied myself to a tree (don’t worry Greenie’s, the rope was a non irritant and was coated so as to not hurt the tree) and ran in place. As I did, the earth appeared to turn faster. I am confident that somewhere in Europe a tight rope walker named Jacque fell to his demise. I apologize for not warning the United Nation’s in advance of this experiment. Next time, I promise to do so. Anyway, the short of the experiment was inconclusive once more.

In my final experiment I got my ladder and climbed on the roof of my house with a bungee cord tied to my waist. The other side was attached to a spike in the ground below. In my zeal, I now know that I didn’t truly consider everything in attempting this experiment, but chalked it up as taking one for team called science. I jumped off the house and as I suspected, the earth started up toward me at the same time. I was attempting to see if my body which turned out to be my head could bounce the earth off of me and thus changing the rotation. I can say with confidence now as I write this from my hospital bed, that I, and likely we, have no impact on the earth’s climate. We can’t move it, can turn it, can’t push it and certainly can’t make it hotter or colder.

Years of data tells us the earth cycles to extremes. Those very people who lisp, limp wristed “Climate Change,” are the same one’s who gave us evolution and the extinction of Dinosaurs. What did they fart themselves to death? Facts are facts and until someone can prove to me that the earth actually bounced off my head, I’m going to stick to a more common opinion. Something known as, theory. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, my bandages need changed.